“3 principles in keeping love alive 1. Participate in the act of love · 2. Maintain your individuality and appreciate your partner’s individuality · 3. Ignore your critical inner voice.”.
PsychAlive (https://www.psychalive.org/3-principles-keep-love-alive/)
The concept of being alone isn’t linked to the feeling of loneliness. In fact, you can make living without love beneficial and positive for you by reading through this article. Soon, you’ll not only be satisfied, but also ecstatic about the way you are and the way your life. One of the major keys in making this happen is endurance and discipline in allowing yourself to get active and not isolate yourself; for if you do and for awhile it’s hard to get out of it. Here are some steps in helping you reach the goal of not feeling alone:
We talk a lot about singles, but we don’t talk about this: what it’s like to live without a partner while longing for one, over years, then decades.
Just 51 percent of the adult population is married, down from 72 percent in 1960. So we talk about swinging, “Sex and the City” singles and extended adolescences. We talk about the delay of marriage or the rise of cohabitation and single motherhood. Depending on our perspective, we cheer the broadening definitions of family or bemoan the breakdown of the nuclear unit.
But the cousin or neighbor or co-worker who always seems to be on his or her own? We don’t give them much thought.
It’s easier not to. Perhaps as much as religion, our society hinges on belief in romantic love. How many songs and novels revolve around the long search and eventual discovery of a beloved? The phrase “happily ever after” implies a singular outcome: two lives made ever better by virtue of their union.
Never mind that close to half of marriages end in divorce that many of those who stay married do so unhappily, and that, rationally, we all know life can be a struggle regardless of relationship status. Ninety percent of us will marry — often repeatedly — on the belief that marriage can add something fundamentally good to our lives.
Certainly, there’s a huge biological imperative to pair up — procreation and protection of the young used to demand it. But reproductive technologies have expanded our baby-making options, and security systems do a good job of deflecting predators. And we still want the ineffable. We want love.
Love is true, but yet, it is fickle. Long lasting love has to evolve and grow over the years, and at times it takes a few unique measures too. Find out how to keep love alivetake in a relationship.
Knowing how to keep love alive in a relationship can seem easy, but it’s actually more difficult that most lovers imagine.
You have to remember you’re not always going to be the same teenager who fell in love with your teenage lover. You will evolve and so will your partner.
Most couples assume they don’t need to have intimate conversations or exchange thoughts about each other’s views on life because they already know everything about their partner.
But what many don’t understand is that we grow and evolve as individuals constantly, and our likes, dislikes and opinions too change all the time.
In the introduction on how to keep love alive, we’ve seen that there are just two basic requirements for a relationship to be successful.
Affection and sexual desire.
As long as we can keep these two emotions on a high, love too can be kept alive and exciting.
Find out how to keep love alive and make the relationship more exciting and fun, even as the years roll by with these simple and at times, unconventional tips.
How to keep love alive
Most lovers start taking their partner for granted over the years, and this eventually leads to boredom in a relationship. Curiosity in a relationship is the driving force in keeping love alive in a long term relationship.
When you assume you know everything about a partner, love starts to stagnate and differences start to crop up, even if the words aren’t voiced out. After all, both of you grow as individuals with each passing day. [Read: How to know if you are in love]
Here are a few tips on how to keep love alive in a relationship and how to bring the excitement back again, especially when it comes to affection and sexual attraction.
Avoid taking each other for granted
One of the disadvantages of long term relationships is the fact that lovers start to take each other for granted. They assume they know their partner’s likes and dislikes and end up making a lot of assumptions, which can be critically wrong at times.
On the other hand, even favors and special gestures are taken for granted as the years go by. If a husband prepares a breakfast-in-bed for his wife every Sunday morning for a few months, it’s a special gesture at the beginning. But as the months go by and the husband decides to sleep in one Sunday morning, the wife ends up getting upset that she wasn’t served her breakfast. Likewise, there may be several other kinds of special gestures that lovers share with each other which can eventually be taken for granted.
By taking these gestures for granted, nothing really becomes a special gesture anymore. Instead it becomes an obligation. Always remember to acknowledge a gesture, however small it may be if you want to understand the secret behind knowing how to keep love alive in a relationship.
By taking each other for granted, be it an evening foot rub or a big birthday bash, you’re taking away the affection behind a gesture, and turning it into an obligation. If you want to keep the love alive in your relationship, acknowledge the gestures and never ever take your partner for granted.
Surprise each other
Remember the first year of your relationship? Both of you went out of your way to buy each other birthday gifts, and every now and then you popped in a surprise just to see your lover smile in surprise. Do you still do that?
In almost all cases, couples stop paying attention to happy surprises after a few years. We want to keep the love alive in a relationship, but almost all of us stop doing anything to keep the relationship exciting and unique. It doesn’t matter if it is concert tickets, a surprise vacation or even a posse of flowers. Go out of your way to make your partner feel special like you used to, and you’ll see that the relationship will only get more exciting and affectionate in no time. [Read: Dating facts]
Celebrate special occasions
Pay attention to relationship landmarks and special occasions in the relationship. Many Valentine’s Days, anniversaries and birthdays may come and go, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore them because you have so many special moments all year round.
Try to make every year exciting and special in its own way. And wherever possible, try to go out of your way to make your partner feel special. You may lose a few hours or a couple of days planning something special, but the fact that you still try to please your partner and make them feel special is a sure sign that you’re taking an initiative to keep the love alive in the relationship.
As long as you give enough importance to affection and sexual desire in a relationship, it’s a great assurance that the flame of love will burn bright in your relationship for years to come.
Sexual desire is by far, one of the most important requirements of a happy romantic relationship. If you want to know how to keep love alive, then your best bet is to focus on a more than satisfying sex life. Can you remember the first time you got intimate with your partner? It may be a while ago, but you can’t really forget the racing heartbeats, the passionate cold sweat and the weak knees, can you?
Now just because it’s been a few years since you’ve been together, there’s really no reason why sex can’t remain exciting and heart pounding. Most people want to know how to keep love alive, but yet they don’t really pay attention to sexual attraction between the partners. Humans are built for procreation, we’re one of the few species on earth that indulge in sex for pleasure. All of us want and need sex, irrespective of whether we get to have it with a partner or someone else. So if you really want to keep your love life on a high, you really have to understand the importance of sex in a relationship, and how vital a role it plays in holding two individuals together in a romantic relationship.
You may have been satisfied doing the missionary position or making love in a quiet bedroom for years until both of you start to get bored with each other bodies. But you can change all that in a few weeks. Start doing something new and exciting, be it indulging in a few fantasies or trying new things in bed or finding new places to make love with each other. It may feel awkward at first, but you’ll be able to have a more satisfying and fulfilling romantic life if you can satisfy your inbuilt sexual urges.
Figuring out how to fix a relationship, if that is the reason for lack of love with romance like when you first fell in love is a lot like stacking a deck of cards. There are so many different cards involved and it’s really difficult to know where exactly the balance went awry.
Just like a stack of cards, in almost all cases, it’s never a single reason that leads to a failure in love.
It’s a series of disappointments and resentments that lead to an unhappy relationship and eventually on both sides doing it. So it takes 2 to hurt each other and 2 to work things out but let the disappointments and resentments go on and it could get to a point of no turning back.
But nevertheless, it really the relationship doesn’t have to end this way. Remember most vows include at the alter the day of marriage you will be there in good times and bad. Even the unhappiest of relationships can be fixed with a bit of understanding and love. Do you 2 have that in you or was it never there day one or are you two individual strong people who really love each other that are just human making mistakes at times. Including that you 2 strong people allow your love to overrule the mistake the other one makes with not holding it over the person later in life with the one who made the mistake resolve the problem with never letting it happen again. Love can be a strong bond or a weak one.
“Kindness is more than behavior. The art of kindness means harboring a spirit of helpfulness, as well as being generous and considerate, and doing so without expecting anything in return. Kindness is a quality of being. The act of giving kindness often is simple, free, positive and healthy. Physiologically, kindness can positively change your brain. Being kind boosts serotonin and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters in the brain that give you feelings of satisfaction and well-being, and cause the pleasure/reward centers in your brain to light up. Endorphins, which are your body’s natural pain killer, also can be released.”.
MAYO CLINIC (https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/the-art-of-kindness)
Empathy and love both seem to be related to oxytocin. Dr. Zak thinks this is why we want to hear those sad love songs over and over. There is a soothing to sadness. Remember that when suffering moves us to engage with others then we get the pleasure and reduction of anxiety from the HOME system. Helping others is important to humans. He recalls last time one of his daughters had the stomach flu and he stayed up with her all night while she vomited and at one point she apologized to me. Dr. Zak told her he couldn’t think of a more important thing to do than hold the bucket and be with her. It was her suffering that moved him to help her, even though he, too, suffered with her, he felt good that I could help her.
Everything we do draws on our metabolic resources though oxytocin synthesis is metabolically cheap so we can’t love too much. Actually, eating mildly stimulates oxytocin release so that’s why we take dates (and hold meetings) at meals–it makes it easier to connect to someone.
The more oxytocin is released, the lower the threshold for its release. In other words, the more we love, the more we can love. My research has shown that those who release the most oxytocin after being trusted are happier in their lives. They are happier because they have better relationships of all types: romantic, with family, they have more close friends, and are even kinder to strangers. We’ve also shown that oxytocin release improves the immune system by reducing stress. So, love freely!
Dr. Zak recently studied loving kindness (metta) meditation and compared this to mindfulness meditation. This was for people who had never meditated before and received a month of training. Both kinds of meditation lead to greater altruism, but metta did this to a greater extent. Metta meditation was more valuable to those who received it than mindfulness meditation, and the metta group had a larger reduction in brain activity in regions associated with anxiety and self-focused attention than the mindfulness group did.
Oxytocin receptors live in areas of the brain associated with social memories (animals that cannot produce oxytocin get “social amnesia”). So, we are laying down memory tracks using oxytocin on who is safe, trustworthy, and kind. These memories are being rehearsed each time we have a positive interaction and so it can lead to us being kinder to more people more of the time. Practice is the key to activate this effect.
Based on what was previously mentioned one can make a habit of practicing loving-kindness, so that it seems to come naturally and automatically in your personal interactions. Also is seems that oxytocin circuit work below the level of conscious awareness.
Psychopaths just don’t feel the empathy, the love, and are permanently in selfish, survival mode.
One of the potent inhibitors of oxytocin release is stress, and one of those stresses is survival stress…If your body is not facing survival stress, then you sort of have the luxury of connecting to others. That connection is always costly in time or resources and not everyone can do that. All of us don’t do it all the time. As average incomes rises, there’s a pretty strong gradient of better behavior occurring on average.
Research increasingly supports the long-held belief that kindness is good not only for others, but also for ourselves. While religions have also taught the importance of kindness for millennia, we see that kindness is not a religious matter; it is a basic human value. It belongs to what both the Dalai Lama and the World Happiness Report have called a universal secular ethics.
Kindness has layers of complexity even at a conceptual level. If someone asks for something that might be harmful for them, for instance an alcoholic asking for a drink, is it kind to give it to them? Which economic policies or political agendas are the kindest? When does kindness to oneself mean pushing past one’s pre-conceived limits and when does it mean giving oneself a much-needed break?
If we look at these complex questions, we can see that kindness is supported by discernment and by empathy. In some cases, you may want to be kind to someone, but because of a failure to understand their perspective or resonate with them emotionally, you may end up saying something hurtful or insensitive.
Naturally, kindness is also supported by compassion. If you are inclined to wish another person to be happy, protected and relieved of suffering–in other words, if you are compassionate towards them–you will not want to harm them. In such a case, your actions towards them are more likely to be characterised by kindness.
From this, we can see that the cultivation of many other skills and dispositions–such as compassion, empathy and discernment–will enhance kindness. Since kindness is vital for us on both biological and social levels, we should invest in methods that help us cultivate kindness as well as the skills and dispositions that support it. This includes introducing the science, theory and practice of kindness in educational settings so that children can benefit from this knowledge and can begin the practice of self-care and care for others from an early age.
In order to have a fully formed capacity for kindness, one must first learn to be kind to oneself and practice self-compassion. When we are not emotionally aware or are unkind towards ourselves, it is very difficult to be kind to another. Learning to have greater self-compassion can put us in the right physiological, emotional and mental state to be kind to others.
We have established that kindness is supported by related skills and dispositions, such as forgiveness, empathy, compassion and discernment. Further, to develop kindness for the greatest number of people, these practices should rest on a foundation of impartiality, where we learn to see our common humanity. In other words, we must realise that what all human beings have in common vastly outweighs our differences, and that all human beings naturally seek to experience greater well-being and less suffering.
What do you think?
“In psychology, theory of mind is an important social-cognitive skill that involves the ability to think about mental states, both your own and those of others. It encompasses the ability to attribute mental states, including emotions, desires, beliefs, and knowledge, and recognize that other people’s thoughts and beliefs may differ from yours.”.
verywellmind (https://www.verywellmind.com/theory-of-mind-4176826)
Kindness is a quality that seems inherent in human beings. Like most vital things, however, it is at once very simple and very complex, with multiple layers that can be explored extensively.
On the simplest level, kindness is showing consideration to others, as opposed to being insensitive, harmful or apathetic. On this basic level, kindness has universal appeal. Not only human beings, including infants and children, but also animals appreciate kindness.
The reason for this is simple. Our most basic motivation is to strive for survival, well-being and happiness. Being treated by others with cruelty, indifference or insensitivity goes directly against this basic wish. So, we want others to treat us with kindness and this is common to all humans.
Additionally, as social animals, we need others’ kindness to survive. As with all mammals and birds, we are not self-sufficient at birth, or even for several years thereafter. In infancy, without maternal care and the care of others, we would quickly perish. Therefore, this basic need for care means that even on a cellular level–deep within our biology and physiology–we respond to kindness. We are interdependent and our bodies know it.
For instance, our nervous system is wired in a way that affective touch, such as the kind or loving touch of someone we feel close to, activates different parts of the brain (the posterior insular cortex and anterior cingulate cortex). This is different from discriminative touch–the touch we use to feel something ourselves (which primarily activates the somatosensory cortex)–which activates different nerve fibres. Affective touch can make us feel relaxed, safe and calm, activating our parasympathetic or “rest and digest” response–but typically only if our brain interprets it as coming from a kind, non-threatening source. If the touch comes from someone we don’t like, it can have quite the opposite effect, causing us stress and a completely different (and less healthy) physiological and chemical response in our body. This activation of the sympathetic nervous system (the “flight or fight response”) can cause the release of stress hormones (such as adrenaline and cortisol) in our bodies, elevating heart rate and blood pressure, and increasing inflammation. This activation occurs when we perceive another’s touch as unkind.
A great deal of research has emerged on the long-term importance of affective touch for infants as well as its impact on adults. From this we can see that kindness is not a mere concept in our heads; it is also a biological reality in our bodies. There are multiple layers of complexity to the science of kindness that we have yet to explore.
We can see that kindness supports happiness and flourishing even on social, national and international levels. ‘The World Happiness Report’, a project undertaken by the United Nations, has shown that even more than economic factors, happiness and life satisfaction are facilitated by factors such as trust and social support, which are themselves manifestations of kindness. It should come as no surprise to us that kinder societies are happier societies; it may, however, be surprising to some to know that kindness is even more important than wealth. In fact, contrary to the idea that simply having more wealth results in more happiness, data from the 2019 World Happiness Report suggest that generosity (showing kindness by giving wealth away) is also positively correlated with happiness in societies. This coincides with other data showing that we tend to feel rewarded when we act kindly and benefit others.
Paul J. Zak is founding director of the Center for Neuroeconomics Studies at Claremont Graduate University. He has a Ph.D. in economics from University of Pennsylvania, and post-doctoral training in neuroimaging from Harvard. Dr. Zak’s lab discovered in 2004 that an ancient chemical in our brains, oxytocin, allows us to determine who to trust.
In experiments run over the last 10 to 15 years, in Dr. Zak’s lab and in his field, he and his colleagues have shown that the brain chemical oxytocin is released when someone is nice to us in objective ways (for example, when a stranger shares money with us). Oxytocin is the mammalian signal that tells mothers (and in some species fathers) to care for their offspring. It is the chemical basis for parental love. What we’ve shown is that oxytocin release is stimulated by acts of kindness or trust by complete strangers. The feeling people get when their brains release oxytocin is one of empathy or emotional connection.
Empathy is the product of a brain circuit Dr. Zak calls HOME (for Human Oxytocin Mediated Empathy). How does this brain circuit work? Oxytocin does not work alone. It activates a brain circulate that makes it feel good to do good for others. The HOME circuit does this by giving us a feeling of pleasure when we help others and by reducing our anxiety when we have a positive social interaction. Our brains are designed to engage with strangers and to care about them. This is what it means to be a social creature.
The distinction between romantic love and non-romantic love is clear: Biologically they appear to be quite similar and to use oxytocin and the HOME circuit. They may feel differently, but nature is conservative and reuses brain circuits for many purposes. Dr. Zak states he thinks this is good though. All love is good and valuable and important. For example, Dr. Zak with colleagues showed experimentally that touch releases oxytocin so he started hugging people instead of shaking hands at work. This earned him the nickname “Dr. Love.” At first this was a bit embarrassing to the doctor he stated but then he started to think, what better thing can he do on the planet but to give people love so now he states he is happy to be Dr. Love.
Another view on this topic is, it’s often said that we should put ourselves in another person’s shoes in order to better understand their point of view. But psychological research suggests this directive leaves something to be desired: When we imagine the inner lives of others, we don’t necessarily gain real insight into other people’s minds.
Instead of imagining ourselves in another person’s position, we need to actually get their perspective, according to a recent study (pdf) in the Journal of Personality and Psychology. Researchers from the University of Chicago and Northeastern University in the US and Ben Gurion University in Israel conducted 25 different experiments with strangers, friends, couples, and spouses to assess the accuracy of insights onto other’s thoughts, feelings, attitudes, and mental states.
Their conclusion, as psychologist Tal Eyal tells Quartz: ”We assume that another person thinks or feels about things as we do, when in fact they often do not. So we often use our own perspective to understand other people, but our perspective is often very different from the other person’s perspective.” This “egocentric bias” leads to inaccurate predictions about other people’s feelings and preferences. When we imagine how a friend feels after getting fired, or how they’ll react to an off-color joke or political position, we’re really just thinking of how we would feel in their situation, according to the study.
Come back tomorrow for part 2
““Heart disease, often used interchangeably with the term “cardiovascular disease” (CVD), describes several conditions affecting the heart, the blood vessels that nourish the heart (the coronary arteries), and the arteries that distribute blood to the brain, legs, and everywhere in-between. Heart disease afflicts or kills as many as one in two adults in the United States and other developed countries. [1]”
Harvard T.H. Chan school of public health (https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/nutritionsource/disease-prevention/cardiovascular-disease/)
“Eating disorders are real, treatable diseases. They frequently coexist with other illnesses such as depression, substance use, or anxiety disorders. Psychological and medicinal treatments are effective for many eating disorders. The earlier eating disorders are diagnosed and treated, the better the chances are for recovery.”.
healthychildren.org (https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/Treating-Eating-Disorders.aspx)
You and your treatment team will determine what your needs are and come up with goals and guidelines. This will include a plan for treating your eating disorder and setting up treatment goals. It will also make it clear what to do if you’re not able to stick with your plan or if you’re having health problems related to your eating disorder.
Your treatment team can also:
Eating disorders can cause serious health problems related to inadequate nutrition, overeating, bingeing and other factors. The type of health problems caused by eating disorders depends on the type and severity of the eating disorder. In many cases, problems caused by an eating disorder require ongoing treatment and monitoring.
Medications can’t cure an eating disorder, but they may help you follow your treatment plan. They’re most effective when combined with psychological counseling. Antidepressants are the most common medications used to treat eating disorders that involve binge-eating or purging behaviors, but depending on the situation, other medications are sometimes prescribed.Taking an antidepressant may be especially helpful if you have bulimia or binge-eating disorder. Antidepressants can also help reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder, which frequently occur along with eating disorders.
You may also need to take medications for physical health problems caused by your eating disorder.
Hospitalization may be necessary if you have serious physical or mental health problems or if you have anorexia and are unable to eat or gain weight. Severe or life-threatening physical health problems that occur with anorexia can be a medical emergency.
In many cases, the most important goal of hospitalization is to get back to a healthy weight. Achieving your healthy weight can take months, so you’ll probably need to continue outpatient treatment to accomplish your goals once you get out of the hospital.
Researchers are finding that eating disorders are caused by a complex interaction of genetic, biological, psychological, and social factors. But many questions still need answers. Researchers are studying questions about behavior, genetics, and brain function to better understand risk factors, identify biological markers, and develop specific psychotherapies and medications that can target areas in the brain that control eating behavior. Brain imaging and genetic studies may provide clues for how each person may respond to specific treatments for these medical illnesses. Ongoing efforts also are aimed at developing and refining strategies for preventing and treating eating disorders among adolescents and adults.
You are the most important member of your treatment team. For successful treatment, you need to be actively involved in your treatment and so do your family members and other loved ones. Your treatment team can provide education and tell you where to find more information and support.
There’s a lot of misinformation about eating disorders on the Web, so it’s important that you follow the advice of your treatment team and get suggestions on reputable websites to learn more about your eating disorder. Examples of helpful websites include the National Eating Disorders
“Treatments for eating disorders include therapy, education and medication. Find out what works. Eating disorder treatment depends on your particular disorder and your symptoms. It typically includes a combination of psychological therapy (psychotherapy), nutrition education, medical monitoring and sometimes medications.
Eating disorder treatment also involves addressing other health problems caused by an eating disorder, which can be serious or even life-threatening if they go untreated for too long. If an eating disorder doesn’t improve with standard treatment or causes health problems, you may need hospitalization or another type of inpatient program.”
MAYO CLINC (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/in-depth/eating-disorder-treatment/art-20046234)